Joe the Plumber, more like Joe the "Dumber than Pre-RippedJeans"

Really? So apparently Joe the Plumber is just another stupid mother fucker. He works for a small company that makes barely $100k a year. So he'll get a tax cut under Obama. He makes $40k a year, and would get a tax cut under Obama. He is UNLICENSED. NOT EVEN A REAL PLUMBER. JOE THE NOBODY. And what does he care if his taxes went up? Records show this douchenozzle doesn't even pay taxes. The Plumbers' Union (which Joe is not a member of, because he is not a real Plumber) has endorsed Barack Obama. Joe Wurzelbacher (Nazi, maybe?) is a registered Republican, who, AND I QUOTE, said: "[Barack Obama] can tap dance-almost as good as Sammy Davis Jr." Racial undertones aside, "HE TAP DANCES GOOD." Clearly, Joe, you failed English. As you did Economics and Plumbing School.

tl;dr: Joe the Plumber is a shit head.

Spotlight Gets Old Fast for 'Joe The Plumber' -National Post

Live Blogging the Return of my Blog and the End of Debates!

It's been months since I posted a blog! A year, even. 

But let's get on to business.

9:05- When you hear Joe the Plumber, drink! 

9:11- "Class warfare! Barack Obama is a communist!" 

9:16- McCain learned a queue from Sarah Palin. Don't answer the question at hand. "I-I-uh, energy." 

9:18- When McCain says "I know how to ______," drink! 

9:19- When McCain makes a point, he has a real shit head smile, you notice that? 

9:21- When McCain says "I will _____" in that shit head way, drink! 

9:22- McCain has a yellow notepad. Who still uses those? Also, shit head smile. Drink! 

9:23- Holy shit, McCain just got fucking bug eyed.

9:23- When Obama says McCain is George Bush, drink! 

9:24- John McCain grumpily shouts at that young man Bob Schieffer because McCain wants to speak longer. Also, long boring list. Also, shit head smile. 

9:25- Bill Ayers time! Ohboyohboyohboy! 

9:25- McCain is still bitching about the town halls, jesus christ. Get over it, old man. 

9:26- When McCain tried to say "my feelings were hurt" he came off as a robot.  

9:28- Shut your mouth, old man! It is true! "The American people don't care about your hurt feelings, OLD MAN." 

9:29- Just because we're not doing town halls, doesn't mean you're not an asshole. 

9:32-McCain looks like he's going to cry, he's been trying to get a word in and getting shut the fuck down every thirty seconds.

9:34- There are some really mean t-shirts at your rallies, Barack!

9:35- John McCain really likes to interrupt Barack Obama. ACORNS are out to destroy the world!

9:36- Ayers is officially thrown under the bus. DESPICABLE ACTS.

9:38- WARREN BUFFETT, OH DAYUM. JOE BIDEN, OH DAYUM. JIM JONES, OOOOOH DAYYUUUUUMMMM.

9:39- Barack Obama just laughed at McCain, literally.

9:40- He went from Ayers, to mysterious backgrounds, to economy, to taxes, all in fifteen seconds. Mad skillz, McCain.

9:42- McCain's talking about Palin. SAY MAVERICK, SAY MAVERICK, SAY MAVERICK.

9:43- HE MENTIONED THE RETARDS. ACE IN THE HOLE. #1 ISSUE FACING AMERICA TODAY.

9:48- Yawn, nothing funny, just boring shit for the past five minutes

9:51- "They're sending us thousands of cars. Thas' all good." He's so black and wonderful.

9:53- "Maybe you oughta go there. SONNY."

9:53- "People have been assassinated." There's John McCain scrawling on his notepad again. I think he just wrote in big letters "WHAT?!"

9:55- Hybrid cars are the DRIVERS of our economy in the future, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Clever girl.

9:56- John McCain brought up Herbert Hoover, I'll trust him on this one, since he was alive for it.

9:58- My mom entered the room and is trying to talk to me, this is stunting my ability to watch the debate

9:59- JOE THE PLUMBER'S BACK. HEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY.

10:00- Fucking Joe. Can we stop talking about this dude?

10:03- As we reached the hour point, the debate has regressed to "Barack is a communist" and Joe the Plumber.

10:04- What the fuck? John McCain owns a gold-plated cadillac. Rich mother fucker.

10:05- Senator Government? Either a stupid attempt at Freudian slip, or a very Palinesque comment.

10:06- Joe the Plumber must be shitting his pants in glee, he's being mentioned all the fucking time.

10:10- Louie Ledbetter? That is a fake name. Did I miss that name? Because it just sounded so fake how I heard it.

10:14- Barack Obama is in favor of dead babies.

10:16- Last question, finally.

10:17- I hear education. Drink if McCain brings up kindergarten sex education.

10:18- Education=Civil Rights? Wat.

10:23- LOL, the education system is completely irrelevant to NYC, because we already did all the shit they're talking about

10:24- He said transparency four times in thirty seconds

10:24- He brought up Sarah Palin's retarded kid again, nice.

10:25- Let's institute a new rule. DC gets voting rights when their kids can read.

10:26- John McCain looks like a complete asshole. THERE AREN'T ENOUGH VOUCHERS BLAH BLAH KEKEKEKEKEKE.

10:27- Old people always sound so awkward when they read website names, Bob Schieffer.

10:30- Please mention college. HE MENTIONED COLLEGE! ALRIGHT!

I got really lazy at the end, sorry.

BUT- We Need A Beard is back! Bookmark and check for updates!

A Bitter Farewell for Mike Gravel

 The champion of the people, Mike Gravel, has quit the Democratic Party. Mike Gravel has decided the Democrats don't love America, and the Libertarians do. Let's take a look back at that old kook who brightened up our days. Remember in the debates, when Mike Gravel was never called on, and when he finally got a chance to speak, he wasted his time complaining about not speaking. Ace move, Mike. Mike Gravel may have only been allowed in 2 debates (not a real number), but those two were the best. And Mike Gravel never quit. While the Chris Dodds, the Bill Richardsons, the Joe Bidens and Link from Legend of Zelda dropped out, Mike Gravel stuck to his message. The message that all other candidates suck ass, and that Gravel is the only champion of change and hope. Yeah, stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Barack Obama.

                Now, I'll bet you're wondering- who is Mike Gravel? He was the stunning young senator from Alaska with nothing in his pockets but his hopes and dreams. He got nothing done for 10 years, until he was ousted from the Senate by the Alaskan people. He was the last Democrat to represent Alaska in the congress. Way to traumatize the Alaskan people, fuckwad.

            This is a goodbye, Mike Gravel. I've always found you entertaining, you were like our Ron Paul. And now we've lost you to the Libertarians. With any luck, they'll reject you and you'll come back to us. And our arms will be open, Champion of Freedom.

Good Night, Sweet Prince. Gravel '08.

Gravel Joins the Libertarians [WASH POST]

Fox News: Bill Richardson is a Pandering Bitter Loser for Growing a Beard.

                    Fox News is so wrong in saying Richardson's beard is an attempt at pandering. Bill Richardson has been pandering long before he grew a beard. And this beard is a step forward for Bill Richardson. Let's compare pre-beard Richardson and post-beard Richardson

PRE-BEARD:

• Richardson is on the losing team, the team of Bill Richardson
• Richardson is the candidate of experience and no-change
• Richardson is still in the race
• Richardson fails to broker peace in Darfur (way to go)
• Richardson's campaign is in debt
• Richardson rambles for 5 minutes during presidential debates

POST-BEARD:

• Richardson is on the winning team, the team of Barack HUSSEIN Obama
• Richardson has embraced change as his new god, and shunned his past worship of "experience"
• Richardson is out of the race
• Darfur still sucks. But at least Richardson gave up.
• Richardson's campaign is dead, which means his debt has been passed on to his closest relative: Arizona Apple-Picker Pablo Richardson
• Richardson rambles for 2 minutes on CNN

        What I'm getting at, is that Fox has completely missed the point. Before he grew a beard, I would never vote for Bill Richardson. But now, he's the most presidential candidate of them all.  A fair solution to the current deadlock would be: 

• The superdelegates (Democratic Party's Pantheon of Gods) choose Bill Richardson to be their next emperor
• Hillary Clinton divorces Bill Clinton, marries Bill Richardson. She gets to live in the White House again, and Bill Clinton gets to openly have lots of sex.
• Barack Obama runs as Bill Richardson's VP, gains the experience he needs so badly. 
• A Black guy, an old white woman and a Mexican dude live in the White House. Sitcom? 

Bill Richardson '08

  Fox News panel ponders the significance of Richardson's beard   [Media Matters]

AMENDMENT: I learned how to use the bullet lists for this blog. Alright!

Nerd Gets Beaten Up: No one Cares.

            Billy Wolfe, sophomore in Fayetville, Arkansas is beaten up everyday. Wah wah wah. The kid probably deserves it anyway... Wait, what's that? The kid has learning disabilities? Whatever, he's still probably a douche. Huh? His teachers say he's a good kid? Teachers don't know shit. Billy Wolfe is a fucking douche bag, and if I lived in a town called Hope (Fayetville), Arkansas, I'd beat the shit out of him too.

          People act as if this is horrific, but all it is is having fun at one kid's expense. Thing about it this way, isn't bullying the Communist thing to do? One person suffers, so the others can have gangs of laughs about it at the party Billy isn't invited to because he's a homo. Come on- read the article. Billy's tormenters did some funny shit, including, but not limited to:

-Convincing a big kid that Billy talked shit about his mother

-Tried to sell him a dildo

-Started a facebook group (which I then attempted to join, but it has been deleted since)

     Cheer up, crybaby Billy Wolfe. You can look back on this years from now (if you're not beaten to death by then) and celebrate that you were in the New York Times! AND- you've got it better off than this kid

A Boy the Bullies Love to Beat Up, Repeatedly [NYTIMES]

We Need a Bearded President:

                 Look at a list of presidents and their accompanying portraits. They're really a boring set of people. All white. All men. And most importantly- for the past almost 100 years- all clean shaven. Now what is that? The last mustached president, Billy Taft, was elected in 1909. That's almost a hundred years. That last BEARDED president, was 20 years before that. Benjamin Harrison. What I'm saying is, we went the entire 20th century without a beard in the White House.

             What is it that makes presidential candidates not grow beards? Bill Richardson, the illegal immigrant Democrat ran on a platform of experience and beardlessness. And now that he's dropped out- He's for change and he's grown a beard. And it's a pretty fucking awesome beard. Now why didn't he grow this thing while he was running? He looks a lot more presidential... Though, it could also be argued that he resembles a fatty version of Che. 

Why are the American people so turned off by the beard? Does it show an unwillingness to be clean and orderly? But a well-groomed beard is much harder to keep up than getting up and just shaving every morning. 

            So, American people, this is an intervention. You are willing to elect a woman (Hillary Clinton), a black man (Barack Obama), and even a zombie (John McCain). You need to stop this facial hair-ism. Show some respect to the bearded Americans, because their time has come again. 

Wolf Blitzer '08. 

AMENDMENT: And whatever happened to the powdered wig? When's that making a comeback?