A Bitter Farewell for Mike Gravel

 The champion of the people, Mike Gravel, has quit the Democratic Party. Mike Gravel has decided the Democrats don't love America, and the Libertarians do. Let's take a look back at that old kook who brightened up our days. Remember in the debates, when Mike Gravel was never called on, and when he finally got a chance to speak, he wasted his time complaining about not speaking. Ace move, Mike. Mike Gravel may have only been allowed in 2 debates (not a real number), but those two were the best. And Mike Gravel never quit. While the Chris Dodds, the Bill Richardsons, the Joe Bidens and Link from Legend of Zelda dropped out, Mike Gravel stuck to his message. The message that all other candidates suck ass, and that Gravel is the only champion of change and hope. Yeah, stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Barack Obama.

                Now, I'll bet you're wondering- who is Mike Gravel? He was the stunning young senator from Alaska with nothing in his pockets but his hopes and dreams. He got nothing done for 10 years, until he was ousted from the Senate by the Alaskan people. He was the last Democrat to represent Alaska in the congress. Way to traumatize the Alaskan people, fuckwad.

            This is a goodbye, Mike Gravel. I've always found you entertaining, you were like our Ron Paul. And now we've lost you to the Libertarians. With any luck, they'll reject you and you'll come back to us. And our arms will be open, Champion of Freedom.

Good Night, Sweet Prince. Gravel '08.

Gravel Joins the Libertarians [WASH POST]

Fox News: Bill Richardson is a Pandering Bitter Loser for Growing a Beard.

                    Fox News is so wrong in saying Richardson's beard is an attempt at pandering. Bill Richardson has been pandering long before he grew a beard. And this beard is a step forward for Bill Richardson. Let's compare pre-beard Richardson and post-beard Richardson

PRE-BEARD:

• Richardson is on the losing team, the team of Bill Richardson
• Richardson is the candidate of experience and no-change
• Richardson is still in the race
• Richardson fails to broker peace in Darfur (way to go)
• Richardson's campaign is in debt
• Richardson rambles for 5 minutes during presidential debates

POST-BEARD:

• Richardson is on the winning team, the team of Barack HUSSEIN Obama
• Richardson has embraced change as his new god, and shunned his past worship of "experience"
• Richardson is out of the race
• Darfur still sucks. But at least Richardson gave up.
• Richardson's campaign is dead, which means his debt has been passed on to his closest relative: Arizona Apple-Picker Pablo Richardson
• Richardson rambles for 2 minutes on CNN

        What I'm getting at, is that Fox has completely missed the point. Before he grew a beard, I would never vote for Bill Richardson. But now, he's the most presidential candidate of them all.  A fair solution to the current deadlock would be: 

• The superdelegates (Democratic Party's Pantheon of Gods) choose Bill Richardson to be their next emperor
• Hillary Clinton divorces Bill Clinton, marries Bill Richardson. She gets to live in the White House again, and Bill Clinton gets to openly have lots of sex.
• Barack Obama runs as Bill Richardson's VP, gains the experience he needs so badly. 
• A Black guy, an old white woman and a Mexican dude live in the White House. Sitcom? 

Bill Richardson '08

  Fox News panel ponders the significance of Richardson's beard   [Media Matters]

AMENDMENT: I learned how to use the bullet lists for this blog. Alright!

Nerd Gets Beaten Up: No one Cares.

            Billy Wolfe, sophomore in Fayetville, Arkansas is beaten up everyday. Wah wah wah. The kid probably deserves it anyway... Wait, what's that? The kid has learning disabilities? Whatever, he's still probably a douche. Huh? His teachers say he's a good kid? Teachers don't know shit. Billy Wolfe is a fucking douche bag, and if I lived in a town called Hope (Fayetville), Arkansas, I'd beat the shit out of him too.

          People act as if this is horrific, but all it is is having fun at one kid's expense. Thing about it this way, isn't bullying the Communist thing to do? One person suffers, so the others can have gangs of laughs about it at the party Billy isn't invited to because he's a homo. Come on- read the article. Billy's tormenters did some funny shit, including, but not limited to:

-Convincing a big kid that Billy talked shit about his mother

-Tried to sell him a dildo

-Started a facebook group (which I then attempted to join, but it has been deleted since)

     Cheer up, crybaby Billy Wolfe. You can look back on this years from now (if you're not beaten to death by then) and celebrate that you were in the New York Times! AND- you've got it better off than this kid

A Boy the Bullies Love to Beat Up, Repeatedly [NYTIMES]

We Need a Bearded President:

                 Look at a list of presidents and their accompanying portraits. They're really a boring set of people. All white. All men. And most importantly- for the past almost 100 years- all clean shaven. Now what is that? The last mustached president, Billy Taft, was elected in 1909. That's almost a hundred years. That last BEARDED president, was 20 years before that. Benjamin Harrison. What I'm saying is, we went the entire 20th century without a beard in the White House.

             What is it that makes presidential candidates not grow beards? Bill Richardson, the illegal immigrant Democrat ran on a platform of experience and beardlessness. And now that he's dropped out- He's for change and he's grown a beard. And it's a pretty fucking awesome beard. Now why didn't he grow this thing while he was running? He looks a lot more presidential... Though, it could also be argued that he resembles a fatty version of Che. 

Why are the American people so turned off by the beard? Does it show an unwillingness to be clean and orderly? But a well-groomed beard is much harder to keep up than getting up and just shaving every morning. 

            So, American people, this is an intervention. You are willing to elect a woman (Hillary Clinton), a black man (Barack Obama), and even a zombie (John McCain). You need to stop this facial hair-ism. Show some respect to the bearded Americans, because their time has come again. 

Wolf Blitzer '08. 

AMENDMENT: And whatever happened to the powdered wig? When's that making a comeback?